I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
