Pappa wants mamma naked
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
