I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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