i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
operation have a gay friend backfired
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
