it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
