I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
