I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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