tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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