Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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