it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
