This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
