i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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