mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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