i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
