i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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