literally had 100 drinks last night.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
