And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
