My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
i think im in europe. pls send help
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