Old men and throwing up are my life now.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
