he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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