It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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