I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
