How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
