miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
