dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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