I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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