My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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