fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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