It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
