There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
