hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Houston, we have a blender
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
We need a shit load of segways right now
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
