I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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