the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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