I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
