new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
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