nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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