I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
