Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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