My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
