Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
