high people should be assigned attendants
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Come on in and take your pants off
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