I accidentally had phone sex last night
I smell stomach acid.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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