Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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