i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I just forgot I was standing up.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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