my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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