I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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