im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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