mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
