I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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