She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
